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TheAkula's avatar
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Finally a story, albeit a mature one. I discussed topics that, albeit are touchy, but are very prevalent in today's society. As a result, I consulted several members of he LGBT community on providing me guidance for this story, namely ~fofiscus. To which I thank for providing me with consultation. As a result, this deviation is...



In addition, I also want to thank :iconblue-flight: for providing me with the most amazing editing one could ask for. You really pulled me through on this one.

Done for an art trade with the ever amazing ~LiimLsan. I do seriously hope that you enjoy this piece.

As always, your feedback is ever appreciated and I do hope that you do leave some. Thank you. :)
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© 2011 - 2024 TheAkula
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KevinRollins's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Reading "Cybergryph", I have shoved all previous previews and prior knowledge of the story aside as to make sure I am not influenced by what I had previously read or been told. I believed this best as to write the best and most fair critique I could.

After reading the story through, I felt myself in an odd state. Normally when I read a work, in the end I have my opinion set and a number of points I want comment about. However, this time I found myself without a solid opinion, and I believe I have found the reason. "Cybergryph" feels like two separate and different stories that have been shoved together to create one story, and I can't find any synergy. I almost find myself wishing I could rate the two parts of this story separately. The first part tells the tale of a boy wishing to escape the cruelties of life as he is bombarded with worst aspects of humanity because of the simple fact he lives a slightly different lifestyle. The second part tells of a boy whose mind is transferred into a cybernetic gryphon and goes on to go through test chambers to help a man bring on a new society of cybernetic beings. It's almost a non sequiter. In almost every way, the first part is superior to the second. It presents the classic theme of man's inhumanity to man as Liim is beat at school, as the brother dominates over the mother and him, and Liim eventually feels he doesn't even belong at home. He has a desire to escape that living hell and attempts suicide. Everything up to there was brilliant and you really feel along with Liim that there are no other options even though you, as the reader, know better. You feel and you sympathize. It brings the reader in.

Even the transition scene between the two parts after the failed suicide was good. Perhaps it would have shined more had it seemed that the suicide had a greater effect on Liim than just pain. (Personally, I was expecting him to have been paralyzed as I believe it would have shown how his attempt at escape had made his life even worse.)

After that, there is nothing great outside of the technical aspect of the story. Liim gets his new body and goes on to win every test, kill the machine gun, and go on to live with no regrets. It's like the first part had no impact on him at all. Sure, in the end Liim and the doctor discuss a new world with none of the torture he endured in the beginning, but it never feels the first half had any effect on the second half at all. Liim could have been a homeless beggar, an orphan, or some other depressed kid, and the second part would still have fit as well with it as it does now. Liim as a character is built up, and suddenly all that characterization is thrown out in favor of some sci-fi action where Liim tests out some cool techno-gadgets and jumps and whatnot. He doesn't think back to his mom at all. He has no regrets or second thoughts about his new life. He doesn't even indulge in having any thoughts of revenge against his brother or the bullies. Nothing. I didn't feel for the character at all. The sudden change in story was so great, in fact, that it shattered the suspension of disbelief. The story no longer drew me in, and I was longing to be reading the first part again. Never is that a good thing.

It could be summed up as this: Something great that had meaning and depth and statement regarding society today was turned into an excuse for another transformation story.

And now I must give my ratings.

Vision: Certainly there was a great vision for the first part. The bullied kid wishing to escape. The second part, had little discernible vision. It was just exploring a new body. I give the vision a 4 because the overall vision, while in my opinion was not achieved, was something great.

Originality: I can honestly say I've never read a story like this. I guess having that first part coupled with the second made it more original. I give it 3.5 because while both parts are original together, they aren't really all that original in my opinion when considered separately.

Technique: Technically it was great! Honestly. There are a few grammar and spelling errors, but that's the case with everything. You wrote well with a good level of diction, and I can't say much bad about it as a whole on the technical side either. I give it a 4 for your undeniable technical skill.

Impact: This is where my wall of text has the most meaning. The impact depends on the story as a whole. I would give the impact for the first part a solid 4 or more. However, whatever impact that existed in the first part was just softened by the second. I lot of the impact was lost with the second part. Unlike vision, I don't think I can give it a high score because the first part deserved it. I give it a 2 because of my feelings in the end: I didn't have my mind blown and it made me think about how great your story could have been, not how it was.